Wisdom Tooth

I'm taking out my wisdom tooth (left) on Thursday. I'll be on mc till next Thursday. It's giving me jaw pain and headaches.

Disruption

I can't believe how many times this stupid thing has crossed my mind or been written about.

It's wasting my energy, causing me to hate Singapore.

I realise that SAF is necessary.

Now, 4 months before ORD, I accept that I have no choice.

But it's hard to "forgive" NUS.

I've been griping about this thing long enough.

My mother told me the day you forgive NUS and SAF, with God's help, will be the day when the letter comes that says you can disrupt.

I'll pray and hope so.

Wake me up when September ends. Hopefully I'll be in Edinburgh, not in Singapore.

Ladders

I read something on Jia Hui's blog that I felt was quite interesting:

Guys - relationships with the opposite sex are like on ONE ladder. the lowest rung is starting out with being friends, and the top level is to become boyfriend and girlfriend.

Gals - there are TWO ladders, one of which is the same as the guys', but there's another ladder on which the lowest rung and top rung are both remaining as just friends, and those on this ladder cannot be more than just friends, no matter how much they climb.

I just realised that Singapore has like 10000 "Jia Hui"s.

Sian Ji Bua and seeking-christ

Hmmmm... It's funny how my blog is being read... I didn't believe anyone would want to read about my thoughts when I first started the blog a few months back during a period of enforced insomnia...

I would still like to be a missionary doc, but yeah, it's definitely quite hard, i've a debt to repay to my parents... But there's always this dilemma that I think I mentioned in one of my earlier posts... How do you balance the need to earn back what you spent because NUS rejected you, and the desire to serve God in missions? It's definitely hard, and a question I have yet to think of the answer... On the one hand, pragmatists say it's not possible, while on the other hand, I realise that it's going to be quite a challenge... It's something I've got to sort out with God... These views are very idealistic, I know... I want to earn back for my parents at least what they spent on my education, but I don't think I want to worry about having a big house, lamborghini, etc etc... At least that's my position for now...

What does it profit a man to gain the whole world, but lose his soul?

Anyway, maybe I should explain why I called this blog Sian Ji Bua, and it's URL is seeking-christ.blogspot.com.

When I started the blog, I was angry at something which I couldn't change, which was externally forced upon me, which if I were a single entity, without a family, I would never accept. But because this whole system has stuck me in, I cannot run away from this trap that I am in. Thus, instead of being angry, I became SIAN JI BUA. I was having enforced insomnia as well. What's more, I can't explicitly mention what it is that has been forced upon me.

Gavin asked me, "have you found Christ yet?"

I should've answered "yes, I believe I have, He lives in my heart". We can only see Him with the eyes of our heart for now, and when we go to heaven, and our sinful flesh is left behind. He is alive now, seated at the right hand of the Father, but because of our sinfulness and God's holiness, we cannot see Him directly... That is what I believe.

I think seeking Christ is not an indication that I have not found Christ. Rather, it is an admission that I am imperfect, that I am still seeking His holiness and to be like Him. Perhaps it would've been clearer if I had entitled my blog seeking-to-be-like-Christ, but I think that it's also a continual process, to seek after Christ each and every day. It's like calling up a friend. In a way, that's like seeking your friend. And Christ, who is my master and my friend, will answer.

Perhaps also at the point of time I created the blog, I felt spiritually very dry and empty. I was being put through the waiting for Edinburgh, and also there was a habitual sin that was keeping me from knowing God and Christ fully. I wanted to journal my spiritual journey, which I find, as I look back on the previous posts, has led me a lot closer to God... I hope the glow never fades, that I will continue to walk closer and closer to God, because I can never humanly do everything myself, but must seek to let God reveal Himself to me.

Money and Family

Hebrews 13:5-6 (New International Version)

5Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,
"Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you."^[a] 6So we say with confidence,
"The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?"^[b]

^{I was just chatting to Yi Fang last night on msn, about how it's ironic that though we put down in our personal statements asking for entry to medical school in the UK that money is not the main reason for our wanting to be doctors, the crazy high tuition fees invariably suggests that we have to take a more practical approach to money...}

I just hope that that doesn't happen...that the love of money never takes hold of me... Because it can. And because NUS rejected me, my parents have to fork out quite a large sum... My dad's going to sell his shares in Sarin, which is a blue chip stock... just to get the starting capital to pay for the first 2 years there... what with the crazy accommodation prices and all... I'll definitely end up sharing rooms one lah... which is cool actually... =) But the point is, these shares are like his retirement fund... I suppose it puts a lot of pressure on me to come back and support him, which I definitely will... But also it pressures me to perform...

Life seems like an endless struggle to perform, like being a chimpanzee on a stage...

The only thing that keeps me sane is the knowledge that I am a child of God, that He Loves me and is Always beside me, watching over me and guiding my path...

"The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid."

I don't know what awaits me in Edinburgh. I don't know how I'm going to get through 6 years on my own, without my family's support... But I pray that I will be content with what I have, which is loving parents and a good family...

A few months back, Warrant Jimmy told me an interesting fact: when our brains listen to male voices, the part of the brain which is activated deals with mathematics, but when our brains decode the female voice, the part of the brain activated deals with music.

Which i thought was quite true... during BMT the best part of the day was either ice cream, or calling out at night... The first few weeks, I always called Zaneta or Christabelle, wanting to hear the music of their voices.

However, when I fell ill, and got very depressed to the point of contemplating suicide, I realised that these aren't as near as important as family. I realise now that my dad's way of showing his love and care and concern was to tell me to do things, which I felt was irritating, like an extra sergeant or whatever... But now I realise that he's so willing to sacrifice for me, and I've misjudged him cruelly... most of what he said was good sound advice, unlike what Christabelle had to tell me (no offence though, I enjoyed talking to her) and family were the people who carried me through, not friends.

I missed Gabby, my big brother... but I believe now that God took him away to Imperial London to drive me closer to my family...

God

I believe that God can be found by anyone who is willing to come clean with Him... I believe that Jesus is just waiting for us to confess our sins, and He will come into our lives with power and give us the gift of His Holy Spirit...

The analogy given me is one I shall remember well...

At the end of Sembawang Road, there's a little stretch of beach there. Because of the fact that there's a shipyard just off the beach to the left, the water's tremendously dirty, and it keeps throwing onto the beach the miscellaneous rubbish that one would associate with East Coast Park...

As I did my prayer walk the last morning I was able to attend Church camp, I sensed that what God has done with my sin is like cleaning all the dirt from the browning green water... I thought something was seaweed, when actually it was a cloud of dirt... and only Jesus' blood can do it... If anyone else tried, it'd be like as if I tried to clean up the water... Which, by the way, is impossible, in case you haven't realised.

Inside the sea, is hidden all the trash. The waves are God's way of washing up the trash onto the beach and revealing them to us... Our secret sins are the same, pretty much. So we gather them up, and can choose whether to turn them over and let God get rid of it... it's not a perfect analogy, though, but pretty much the concept is there...

In a home in the UK, there is a garden. If you went to this garden, you would realise that there's a circular patch of grass which is not properly connected to the rest of the grass. You pull up the patch, and realise that underneath the grass is a hole filled with bottles, old shoes, trash etc...

It's the same thing...

Only God can reveal and take away the secret sins that we hide...

If we let Him...

I believe that God works in mysterious ways, but always He calls each and everyone to salvation... How we respond may be different, but He still patiently calls and calls...

If I wasn't called back because of the inflexibility of SOME PEOPLE, to be on shift at night, I wouldn't have been depressed (though it's wrong) during the teaching session, and I wouldn't have sought prayer with Mrs Karen Burnett afterwards... Though I was very irritated at first, I realise that it was God's way of turning me away from the superficial games etc that I would have descended into had I not been called back...

In a way I'm glad I was called back. Because I believe I got anointed by God's Holy Spirit because of our prayers... Sometimes, we try to fill our lives with rushing around trying to find God, like all the activities in camps, etc, but the ones who really gain would be those who take time to listen carefully, and ask for prayer... God is always there, waiting for us. If only we stop running around, and listen, like Mary to Jesus.

Ailene, I'm sorry I waterbombed you, but haha you had it coming from everyone... we were planning to get u from a long time back... And you tried to grind my foot into the ground lah... Gosh you're SO heavy lor...

Haha Valentia I just threw the flour/cake/grass mix at you cos you were screaming so much... anyway it didn't stick at all, which sucked haha... But quite sporting of u to chase me around... Actually on hindsight I should've thrown it at Stephanie...she screamed the MOST. And she wouldn't have chased me... Her rugger bf would've tackled me i guess... but I should be able to run faster than him...

That was fun.