My Utmost for His Highest

The only way to be obedient to "the heavenly vision" is to give our utmost for His highest— our best for His glory. - Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest.

Oswald Chambers was born in Aberdeen, Scotland in 1874. He studied at Edinburgh University and then answered the call to Christian Ministry. He's well known for his writing of My Utmost for His Highest.

To give one's utmost for His glory...is a high calling indeed... But it is only when we truly surrender all that we selfishly desire for ourselves, and wholeheartedly give the best we can for God that His glory can be revealed... Every second of every minute of every hour of every day...

I guess I can thank God for many things...I'm alive's one of them... I have this bad habit of jaywalking, and I've had some close shaves... Ali can prob remember them... after each one i'd sms her feeling quite shaken... And today, my car sprung a leak in the petrol storage somewhere... it was dripping petrol when i topped up to full tank... and when i drove home i thank GOD nothing happened... even though i'm having to take mrt back home, cos by some weird coincidence there're no drivers on duty... Haha but i wouldn't have felt safe to drive anyways...

Met Zanet yesterday... had a really good talk with her... But was about 20 minutes late, cos we were "learning" how to do dalam buka barisan kekanan lurus... that was the fastest i'd driven for a while... not since i was nearly late for night duty... Zanet's been like my counsellor since BMT...really appreciate her help n all... she's always been cheerful and willing to listen... even though i know she's stressed out over lots of things, like her time management, uni homework and other stuff..

Lately I've been having trouble getting to sleeep before 12...SUCKY night duties... it's messing up my body clock... but I guess looking at it from a different perspective, it's a lot better than others doing guard duty, and better than outfield, and better than a lot of other stuff that others have to do and are doing at this moment... And anyway, it's prepping me for houseman years...

Yesterday my dad was telling me about the alternatives to medicine...like doing finance, doing investment Banking... the funny thing was that we started talking about it when in the swimming pool, then on the way home, both of us gradually got of the opinion that it is what's better suited to my character, and what's the better chance for success... By the time I was eating dinner we'd realised that I probably wouldn't like it at all in the finance field... cos i don't have the personality needed to wheel and deal, and to be ruthless when necessary... no offence to financially inclined ppl out there... i mean, you guys have lots of drive and ambition, which is good, but i guess my personality's too "soft"...

My car kena leak petrol liao...dunno which stupid road got so many stone go and bounce and cut the pipe...KNN i just pump $20 of petrol and then become full tank...then my full tank become empty... no wonder i drive only to bukit timah road from airport road then cost like $7 of petrol... plus i'm paying for my own petrol... my mum doesn't want to pay... which is fine, i guess... get some exercise...

i'm getting a bit fatter... stupid Sanjiv/jay so skinny already still going for the weight loss talk haha... wah lao... haha i need to convert the fat to muscle... but everytime got stupid night duty cannot really do anything... think only can swim in the evenings after night duties...

Another Day, Another 2 Dollars

Hmms...Let Ah Liang try his math... 390/(9*5*4)=390/180=2.162$%$W%&^&(*FHDFRW$#@
Haha. OK this is just a random math problem, trying to train back my math to something like what it was before...

But I suppose I've not much to complain about since my last post, since it's only been 2 days... There's not much fun stuff I can share with ppl about my life... Not like I go rock climbing or clubbing every night... both can be hazardous to your health...

I'm reading the biography of Hudson Taylor, missionary to China... for the longest time this was what I've longed to do... Go out into the world, and spread the good news... But I feel as though my Faith needs rebuilding first... Hopefully if I go overseas, it'll be a good staging point for this, to train my stamina and my resistance to loneliness... But it'll be a BIG jump... and the evil one will definitely attack more... but in GOD I trust, and what is impossible for men SURELY is possible for GOD. He will put His hedge of protection around me, and His angels will encamp around me.

I'm not supposed to write about what I do, so I won't. But some people are just getting on my nerves these days, being so bitchy about small little things like cleaning. On the flip side, I'm really touched by people like George, who take the time to do little things for me that are so nourishing for the soul... I know you must've wanted quite badly to go out and get drinks and food, not to mention fellowship, but you stayed inside with me to pray things over... And people like Ailene and Evelyn who aren't too busy to help me out when I'm feeling down... Sherman too, for writing a nice song for me, though you didn't write it yourself, and I've still no clue what to do..HAHAZ! God Bless all you guys!

I hope one day I could be a blessing to others... I think it's more of just being caring, thinking about others more etc... That's why I want to do Medicine... to be a Blessing to others... not a pain in e ass like some docs I know... Fine I guess... I got the better end of the bargain in this case, though it didn't seem that way at first... it never does...

Hahaa tried to MSN some UK friends at 11 plus...forgot that their time is like 3 plus pm there... so they're probably in lecture or lab or something... HAHA! and my irritating MSN window pops up =) but i wonder if you're in a lecture it's understandable, but why sign into MSN if you aren't intending to answer? Oh HAHA I can think of an answer to my own question, but that's something I don't want to believe anymore...

I wish I didn't have to use Porpor's car.

It deprives her of such a large sense of freedom, a freedom to visit us whenever she likes... It definitely gets lonely at home... I just wish and PRAY that she'll see the one true cure for loneliness...

Midnight

Haha Terence didn't take you long to find my blog...So I suppose CO's reading it soon... I really shouldn't have linked the blog to anyone's...

Yesterday I was walking down Orchard Road with a group of my HCJC classmates... Was going to see Chingay, apparently cos as Teng Soon put it "Grace is dancing"...
What Bullshit.
Grace doesn't care 2 hoots for me anymore...got too many friends haha...

Anyways, we walked past this guy who was giving out tracts entitled "e-Baal, video gaming"...which is a pretty extreme topic to be preaching to the teens along Orchard Road... I mean, DotA is like the hot thing at the moment... and WOW, AOE III, Gunbound (wahahaa), etc...

And this guy asked me "was that a Christian?"

And I said "yep"

Then he said "f$%^#$ right?"

I should've said "NO WAY"...I should've opened my mouth to defend, not turn away and run... But that's the BIG problem... Like you shouldn't ever be ashamed of Jesus and of His message... The more I thought about it, the more I was ashamed... like Peter...

There's this deep seated fear in me, a fear of rejection... since young, when I was a shy, withdrawn kid and bully magnet... It's something that I wish I could do away with, give to God... I fear all this, but what I can't seem to see at the spur of the moment is that friends may not last forever, but your eternal life, and the eternal God does. Maybe I need to pray everyday, as George told me...I think I should start now...

Oh Lord Jesus, help me come into a personal relationship with You. Please Lord, send Your Holy Spirit in POWER upon my life...

I think I must remember to ask daily... not just for things, but for a relationship with the Creator of All Things... I just hope, like Peter, that Jesus will reinstate me... Lord Jesus, You know that I love you... Let me love with my heart, soul, mind and strength... I want to know You more... Forgive my cowardice...Amen.


Sighs.

Wat the FISH

Cannot Sleep again!

Today Ah Liang was called up, just to find out that limbeh cannot disrupt. For REAL. Wat the FISH. All the trouble for F@rk. Must wait till after I call up Melbourne, beg for them to extend dedline, get them do for Ah Liang swee sweet, and then in the end tell me cannot go. F@rk! Donch need to go raise my hopes, and den DASH it all... Now cannot sleep person is here. So write blog lor. Sian ji Bua!!!!!! Hope Melbourne if next year I apply go don say, We dowan you keep give us so much trouble, say you cannot then say you can, then we give you offer then you say now cannot again! I pray that it's not so.


Right now, having gone to the toilet and washed my face and brushed my teeth, I realise something amazing...All this complaining about the army not letting me disrupt...It's all part of God's plan, which I believe He in His Mercy and Wisdom has revealed to my mom... The Scotsman, with his kilt, cap and bagpipes, and the word Edinburgh, which my mom didn't even know I applied to... The vision, when mom prayed where I should go, whether I should be a doc... Thank you GOD! You hem me in and protect me, your angels encamp around me, and your will is pleasing and perfect... I'll have faith...the odds are staggering--7000 for 16 places...worse than NUS, which I must begin to commend to God's will... it's nothing short of a miracle if I do get in... but i know, my God is Big, He is a God of Miracles!

I'll have FAITH! Right now, I know my sin is holding me back from knowing His omnipotent Grace better... I wish so much to know Him more, to Love God with my heart, soul, mind and strength, and love my neighbours as myself... I'm sorry Jesus, for pinning You to the cross... Sorry for doubting, and trying to get out of NS... It's for the best, I know, that I don't become a Medical Officer...I'd be the worst behaved doctor ever when I come out of SAF...only House will top my bedside manners...

"You! Malingering! I CHARGE you!"

"No Sir!" the poor recruit, shaking in his Brooks.

"Insubordination some more!"

"n-n-no Sir, I-i-i've really g-got a c-c-ough!"

"fine. now you've told me what i knew you had already. Go out and give this to the medic. Next!"

"but Sir, I've got green phlegm!"

"yah, yah I know. Next!"

And the poor recruit goes out of the room, which incidentally has 3-4 other shivering recruits waiting to be seen. And he has to wait 2-3 hours for his medicine, by which time dinnertime has passed and he goes hungry, only for some kind sergeant to bring him to the mess for dinner...

I've experienced something like this before...bar the part about malingering and insubordination. I believe now that it's for the best that i didn't get into NUS...I dunno...like now, when I think back, I just feel like doing so well, going to the US to specialise and come back to become head of those docs from NUS, or find some new radical medical technique, and then saying to NUS "HA! Bad doctor my ASS!!! Just cos I didn't pull strings to get in!!!"

But that's wrong. I should be a doc cos I want to help others...I want to be a blessing to others, since God has blessed me with much...Sighs...but it's human isn't it? to want to take revenge... God said to Love your enemies, bless those who curse you... So hard to do... I know those OCTs, though they're some of the nicest Christian guys i noe, who say those sergeants who tekan them, when commission they'd better Look OUT!! and I don't blame them... I'd love to be like Bill Gates, who's the boss of those who kicked him out of school... to pay them back...make them long to have accepted me when they had the chance...

But that's wrong...totally... there'll always be those mistreating those under them...the reason why i don't want to be a commander, or i accept the fact that i'm not made a sispec or oct is that i can't bring myself to add to the suffering...and now i probably won't have to...

see, just cos everyone else does so and it feels good! doesn't mean it's good... I suppose I'll have faith...hopefully go Edinburgh, go US/Canada, and stay in Canada... But I don't want to just stay in CAnada and enjoy my blessing without sharing it...Want to go India! Doctors without borders...Go China! Smuggle Bibles in under morphine ampoules... I know it's easy to say this now...but i REally want to do it... if you know me a few years on, remind me of this vision k? The first step is in March, when Edinburgh sends out replies...