Thursday, February 02, 2006

Wat the FISH

Cannot Sleep again!

Today Ah Liang was called up, just to find out that limbeh cannot disrupt. For REAL. Wat the FISH. All the trouble for F@rk. Must wait till after I call up Melbourne, beg for them to extend dedline, get them do for Ah Liang swee sweet, and then in the end tell me cannot go. F@rk! Donch need to go raise my hopes, and den DASH it all... Now cannot sleep person is here. So write blog lor. Sian ji Bua!!!!!! Hope Melbourne if next year I apply go don say, We dowan you keep give us so much trouble, say you cannot then say you can, then we give you offer then you say now cannot again! I pray that it's not so.

Right now, having gone to the toilet and washed my face and brushed my teeth, I realise something amazing...All this complaining about the army not letting me disrupt...It's all part of God's plan, which I believe He in His Mercy and Wisdom has revealed to my mom... The Scotsman, with his kilt, cap and bagpipes, and the word Edinburgh, which my mom didn't even know I applied to... The vision, when mom prayed where I should go, whether I should be a doc... Thank you GOD! You hem me in and protect me, your angels encamp around me, and your will is pleasing and perfect... I'll have faith...the odds are staggering--7000 for 16 places...worse than NUS, which I must begin to commend to God's will... it's nothing short of a miracle if I do get in... but i know, my God is Big, He is a God of Miracles!

I'll have FAITH! Right now, I know my sin is holding me back from knowing His omnipotent Grace better... I wish so much to know Him more, to Love God with my heart, soul, mind and strength, and love my neighbours as myself... I'm sorry Jesus, for pinning You to the cross... Sorry for doubting, and trying to get out of NS... It's for the best, I know, that I don't become a Medical Officer...I'd be the worst behaved doctor ever when I come out of SAF...only House will top my bedside manners...

"You! Malingering! I CHARGE you!"

"No Sir!" the poor recruit, shaking in his Brooks.

"Insubordination some more!"

"n-n-no Sir, I-i-i've really g-got a c-c-ough!"

"fine. now you've told me what i knew you had already. Go out and give this to the medic. Next!"

"but Sir, I've got green phlegm!"

"yah, yah I know. Next!"

And the poor recruit goes out of the room, which incidentally has 3-4 other shivering recruits waiting to be seen. And he has to wait 2-3 hours for his medicine, by which time dinnertime has passed and he goes hungry, only for some kind sergeant to bring him to the mess for dinner...

I've experienced something like this the part about malingering and insubordination. I believe now that it's for the best that i didn't get into NUS...I now, when I think back, I just feel like doing so well, going to the US to specialise and come back to become head of those docs from NUS, or find some new radical medical technique, and then saying to NUS "HA! Bad doctor my ASS!!! Just cos I didn't pull strings to get in!!!"

But that's wrong. I should be a doc cos I want to help others...I want to be a blessing to others, since God has blessed me with much...Sighs...but it's human isn't it? to want to take revenge... God said to Love your enemies, bless those who curse you... So hard to do... I know those OCTs, though they're some of the nicest Christian guys i noe, who say those sergeants who tekan them, when commission they'd better Look OUT!! and I don't blame them... I'd love to be like Bill Gates, who's the boss of those who kicked him out of school... to pay them back...make them long to have accepted me when they had the chance...

But that's wrong...totally... there'll always be those mistreating those under them...the reason why i don't want to be a commander, or i accept the fact that i'm not made a sispec or oct is that i can't bring myself to add to the suffering...and now i probably won't have to...

see, just cos everyone else does so and it feels good! doesn't mean it's good... I suppose I'll have faith...hopefully go Edinburgh, go US/Canada, and stay in Canada... But I don't want to just stay in CAnada and enjoy my blessing without sharing it...Want to go India! Doctors without borders...Go China! Smuggle Bibles in under morphine ampoules... I know it's easy to say this now...but i REally want to do it... if you know me a few years on, remind me of this vision k? The first step is in March, when Edinburgh sends out replies...


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