Monday, November 06, 2006


God can forgive even those most vile amongst us: me.

I cannot consider myself any more righteous than any of my brothers. I have sinned, and sinned deeply. Even if I have told a white lie, or I have stolen 50 cents from my parents, or I have hated in my heart, they are ALL still sins. The only difference between the rest of us and a murderer is that the murderer got caught.

Friday, November 03, 2006


Edinburgh architecture, both God-made and man-made, is really nice... I wonder though, what the purpose of me being here is. Women, when they pass on, wish to know that everything is safe, their family is taken care of, and their children will have a future. Knowing this, they can pass on in peace.

Men, on the other hand, normally would like to see whether their life has had meaning.

What is the meaning in this? Is it to prepare me for something? Or is it something in itself? Why do I have to be here alone? Do I have a hope and a future? Sometimes my future seems unbelievably lonely.

But fear not, says Christ, for I have overcome the world. The world desires that you fit into a certain mould, if not, it says, u cannot be happy. But Joy comes from the Lord, and is a fruit of the Holy Spirit.

Sometimes I wonder whether I will ever catch up to the time where I'm enjoying myself where I am. Or will I always be waiting...waiting...waiting... like for ORD... and when the time finally comes, another new challenge comes up, and I wish for the end of it...

Will I ever be happy alone? I believe I have to learn to be... I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known... Don't know where it goes, but it's only me and I walk alone...

My Shallow heart's the only thing that's beating... Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me...'Til then I walk alone.

Why do we judge people so quickly? Why are we so quick to dismiss some, and so eager to please others? What is this war within nature? Why are some stuck in a miserable existence, while others though rich cannot find happiness? What is the meaning in all of this?

Why are some accepted, and others not?

As I ORD, I realise that life has been quite kind to me, just that I didn't know how to appreciate it at the times where it has been the kindest.

Whenever people ask me about the army, it's always about the combat life, which I so poorly did. I remember the funny things, but the trauma still sticks...

What is it that my talent is?

Thursday, November 02, 2006

This confirms what 2 years of brain numbing has done to me... I painted my face with eyeliner... At first the effect was very cool, like Green Day the lead singer... but then i tried to paint my lips black with eyeliner (it's called EYEliner) and ended up looking like a muslim terrorist without a turban...

Then I proceeded to get tipsy at the stupid Halloween party and told some people some things that I should never have said at all... What on EARTH am i doing... It's bad, this drinking bullshit... Bollocks to it yeah...

Aye, it's a wee bit unsettling.

Oh and to top it all off, my fingernails are painted black.