Thursday, June 15, 2006

Sian Ji Bua and seeking-christ

Hmmmm... It's funny how my blog is being read... I didn't believe anyone would want to read about my thoughts when I first started the blog a few months back during a period of enforced insomnia...

I would still like to be a missionary doc, but yeah, it's definitely quite hard, i've a debt to repay to my parents... But there's always this dilemma that I think I mentioned in one of my earlier posts... How do you balance the need to earn back what you spent because NUS rejected you, and the desire to serve God in missions? It's definitely hard, and a question I have yet to think of the answer... On the one hand, pragmatists say it's not possible, while on the other hand, I realise that it's going to be quite a challenge... It's something I've got to sort out with God... These views are very idealistic, I know... I want to earn back for my parents at least what they spent on my education, but I don't think I want to worry about having a big house, lamborghini, etc etc... At least that's my position for now...

What does it profit a man to gain the whole world, but lose his soul?

Anyway, maybe I should explain why I called this blog Sian Ji Bua, and it's URL is

When I started the blog, I was angry at something which I couldn't change, which was externally forced upon me, which if I were a single entity, without a family, I would never accept. But because this whole system has stuck me in, I cannot run away from this trap that I am in. Thus, instead of being angry, I became SIAN JI BUA. I was having enforced insomnia as well. What's more, I can't explicitly mention what it is that has been forced upon me.

Gavin asked me, "have you found Christ yet?"

I should've answered "yes, I believe I have, He lives in my heart". We can only see Him with the eyes of our heart for now, and when we go to heaven, and our sinful flesh is left behind. He is alive now, seated at the right hand of the Father, but because of our sinfulness and God's holiness, we cannot see Him directly... That is what I believe.

I think seeking Christ is not an indication that I have not found Christ. Rather, it is an admission that I am imperfect, that I am still seeking His holiness and to be like Him. Perhaps it would've been clearer if I had entitled my blog seeking-to-be-like-Christ, but I think that it's also a continual process, to seek after Christ each and every day. It's like calling up a friend. In a way, that's like seeking your friend. And Christ, who is my master and my friend, will answer.

Perhaps also at the point of time I created the blog, I felt spiritually very dry and empty. I was being put through the waiting for Edinburgh, and also there was a habitual sin that was keeping me from knowing God and Christ fully. I wanted to journal my spiritual journey, which I find, as I look back on the previous posts, has led me a lot closer to God... I hope the glow never fades, that I will continue to walk closer and closer to God, because I can never humanly do everything myself, but must seek to let God reveal Himself to me.


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